Good For What Ails You
It’s been a while since I last wrote, since I've been a little ill. I don’t usually like to brag about my own achievements, but I often do anyway so why break a habit: the last couple of weeks have seen me blowing chunks with the dignity and grace of a professional athlete.
Ah yes, parking the tiger neatly down the side of a jeepney maneuvering its way through heavy traffic requires both precision and skill, and I did just that, not once but three times, the weekend before last. Furthermore, it takes considerable strength of character to raise one’s head after the onslaught is over, apologise meekly to splattered passengers, and not leap into oncoming traffic mumbling “I’ve never felt so crap and embarrassed in my goddamn entire life, please kill me now.”
As predicted, my western stomach has been intensely challenged by Filipino cuisine this year. I’ve lost more weight than I’d care to mention and my digestive system just isn’t capable of processing any form of carbohydrate anymore.
It’s just as well that the Pinoys have as many ways of curing you as poisoning you. Here are a few of my favourites:
Rice
This is the number-one cure all for everything. Hungry? Eat rice. Not hungry and retching your guts up? Eat more rice. Dying of bubonic plague? Eat rice and ‘zus if you can’t finish that pile then give it to me you ungrateful Australian wench.
Coconuts
Nature’s wonder nut is credited with everything from intensifying the shine and texture of dull, lifeless hair to restoring a youthful glow to pollution-stressed skin. However, if you have a sore throat then WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FREAKING COCONUT IN YOUR HAND YOU IDIOT??? Apparently coconut steals the voice away. I’ve been told that’s why I sound so bad on the vocals sometimes.
Minty Smelling Muscle Rub
My office mates like to use this as cologne when Dr Didoy sets up his massage shop next to the office toilet on a Friday afternoon. Working magic with his hands as he methodically cracks each joint in his patient, Dr Didoy relieves the body of stress and other “evil mojos” that can be real spoilers for the weekend. One day he found a “bubble” in my back that was allegedly responsible for a lot of my life problems. After half an hour of contortions we evicted the evil bubble from a joint in my right thumb. Since that day I’ve undergone considerable separation anxiety from my bubble and had to create a whole new host of life problems to fill the empty void.
The Humming Lady
This one is reported by housemate Elaine, whose office is regularly visited by a humming masseur. Whilst liberal amounts of rubbing goo and cracking work magic for Dr Didoy, rubbing lady can achieve similar results with a bit of the old bzzzhmmohhhhmmmahhhhyeahhh.
Elaine’s office mates swear by the efficacy of the humming lady, and have even offered to send her around to our place on a Saturday morning (at “special rates”) to set the right karmic vibrations for the weekend. My only concern is that she will attract even more mosquitoes to our house than are already there, ultimately causing a dengue epidemic even as she fights all the other evil spirits squatting in our chi energy paths.
Curing the Common Cold
My driver advises me to stay away from computers, since apparently they spread viruses. I’d advise the rest of us to stay away from my driver. Stupidity is catching.
Saliva
Mindoro Liz reports that the crazy cats up there have found a host of other uses for spit. Having had the misfortune to be bitten by a possibly rabid dog, Liz was brought to the village priest who wanted to press his chafing lips to the wound and suck out what was ailing her.
Yaummmmy. Mmm mmm.
The next week her office mates were again looking for the dribble of a happy person to rub on the tummy of a sick person. Despite being unanimously voted the happiest and dribbliest person in the office, Liz had to decline a sample of her own specimen on account of the fact that her rabies was beginning to make precision dribbling difficult.
Crap
My counterpart tells a charming story about a witch doctor who chewed up some dog poo and spat it in his ear as a boy. I have no idea what the outcome or punch-line of the story is, but knowing my counterpart I strongly suspect that there isn’t one.
Chicken
Cath had a cold one day and was told to avoid the chicken soup at the native food stand at all costs. We’re still not sure if this was at all pertinent to her sniffling or just good general life advice. (It’s been proven time and again that nothing says “hella salmonella” quite like tepid Pinoy chicken broth.)
Guns and Deadly Bladed Weapons
A reliable source tells me that guns and deadly bladed weapons are great ways to prevent bullet holes and knife wounds. In fact, everyone knows that the only better way to stop a speeding bullet is with a bible in the breast pocket.
Guns and deadly bladed weapons also make great show pieces for security guards, taxi drivers and crazy people who want to do crazy things. Furthermore, they’re a fantastic mood booster, giving your self confidence a considerable leg-up if you’re feeling insignificant, depressed, or on the verge of a mental breakdown of any kind.
In fact, I am yet to witness a situation in the Philippines where the possession of a firearm is deemed inappropriate. Whether clambering over rocks on a quiet weekend bushwalk, running the dirty washing down to the dry cleaners, or just holding up a bank when you’re a bit short on cash, there’s nothing like a bit of packed heat for curing other idiots of nailing you first.
Ah yes, parking the tiger neatly down the side of a jeepney maneuvering its way through heavy traffic requires both precision and skill, and I did just that, not once but three times, the weekend before last. Furthermore, it takes considerable strength of character to raise one’s head after the onslaught is over, apologise meekly to splattered passengers, and not leap into oncoming traffic mumbling “I’ve never felt so crap and embarrassed in my goddamn entire life, please kill me now.”
As predicted, my western stomach has been intensely challenged by Filipino cuisine this year. I’ve lost more weight than I’d care to mention and my digestive system just isn’t capable of processing any form of carbohydrate anymore.
It’s just as well that the Pinoys have as many ways of curing you as poisoning you. Here are a few of my favourites:
Rice
This is the number-one cure all for everything. Hungry? Eat rice. Not hungry and retching your guts up? Eat more rice. Dying of bubonic plague? Eat rice and ‘zus if you can’t finish that pile then give it to me you ungrateful Australian wench.
Coconuts
Nature’s wonder nut is credited with everything from intensifying the shine and texture of dull, lifeless hair to restoring a youthful glow to pollution-stressed skin. However, if you have a sore throat then WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FREAKING COCONUT IN YOUR HAND YOU IDIOT??? Apparently coconut steals the voice away. I’ve been told that’s why I sound so bad on the vocals sometimes.
Minty Smelling Muscle Rub
My office mates like to use this as cologne when Dr Didoy sets up his massage shop next to the office toilet on a Friday afternoon. Working magic with his hands as he methodically cracks each joint in his patient, Dr Didoy relieves the body of stress and other “evil mojos” that can be real spoilers for the weekend. One day he found a “bubble” in my back that was allegedly responsible for a lot of my life problems. After half an hour of contortions we evicted the evil bubble from a joint in my right thumb. Since that day I’ve undergone considerable separation anxiety from my bubble and had to create a whole new host of life problems to fill the empty void.
The Humming Lady
This one is reported by housemate Elaine, whose office is regularly visited by a humming masseur. Whilst liberal amounts of rubbing goo and cracking work magic for Dr Didoy, rubbing lady can achieve similar results with a bit of the old bzzzhmmohhhhmmmahhhhyeahhh.
Elaine’s office mates swear by the efficacy of the humming lady, and have even offered to send her around to our place on a Saturday morning (at “special rates”) to set the right karmic vibrations for the weekend. My only concern is that she will attract even more mosquitoes to our house than are already there, ultimately causing a dengue epidemic even as she fights all the other evil spirits squatting in our chi energy paths.
Curing the Common Cold
My driver advises me to stay away from computers, since apparently they spread viruses. I’d advise the rest of us to stay away from my driver. Stupidity is catching.
Saliva
Mindoro Liz reports that the crazy cats up there have found a host of other uses for spit. Having had the misfortune to be bitten by a possibly rabid dog, Liz was brought to the village priest who wanted to press his chafing lips to the wound and suck out what was ailing her.
Yaummmmy. Mmm mmm.
The next week her office mates were again looking for the dribble of a happy person to rub on the tummy of a sick person. Despite being unanimously voted the happiest and dribbliest person in the office, Liz had to decline a sample of her own specimen on account of the fact that her rabies was beginning to make precision dribbling difficult.
Crap
My counterpart tells a charming story about a witch doctor who chewed up some dog poo and spat it in his ear as a boy. I have no idea what the outcome or punch-line of the story is, but knowing my counterpart I strongly suspect that there isn’t one.
Chicken
Cath had a cold one day and was told to avoid the chicken soup at the native food stand at all costs. We’re still not sure if this was at all pertinent to her sniffling or just good general life advice. (It’s been proven time and again that nothing says “hella salmonella” quite like tepid Pinoy chicken broth.)
Guns and Deadly Bladed Weapons
A reliable source tells me that guns and deadly bladed weapons are great ways to prevent bullet holes and knife wounds. In fact, everyone knows that the only better way to stop a speeding bullet is with a bible in the breast pocket.
Guns and deadly bladed weapons also make great show pieces for security guards, taxi drivers and crazy people who want to do crazy things. Furthermore, they’re a fantastic mood booster, giving your self confidence a considerable leg-up if you’re feeling insignificant, depressed, or on the verge of a mental breakdown of any kind.
In fact, I am yet to witness a situation in the Philippines where the possession of a firearm is deemed inappropriate. Whether clambering over rocks on a quiet weekend bushwalk, running the dirty washing down to the dry cleaners, or just holding up a bank when you’re a bit short on cash, there’s nothing like a bit of packed heat for curing other idiots of nailing you first.
posted by Pinoy Zilla at 12:08 AM
0 comments
