You Fill Up My Senses, Like WD40

If you want success, find a suitable mentor. Emulate their achievements, workshop your problems, seek their advice. Older people have gained wisdom through years of experience. In your twenties, you simply can’t know it all.

-Conventional wisdom, maybe Confucius or Oprah said something like this once

Dear Tommy Lee,

My name is Lizzie and I am 27 years old. I am a devout disciple of rock n’ roll from the Filipino provinces. I am searching for answers in life and was wondering if you could be my mentor. I actually think I might be a little mentally ill because I sometimes find you attractive on television, especially when you take your shirt off and go ape on the drum kit. Painted men and jail breakers are hot.

When I grow up, I want to be a rock star just like you. I discovered I wanted to be a rock star after watching your show, Rockstar Supernova. My favourite pastime is actually watching Rockstar and laying into a bit of sweet, sweet alcohol on the living room couch, although this means I’m always turning up to work drunk because Rockstar airs in the Philippines at 8 am on Wednesday and Thursday mornings.

I’m not the only one who thinks I have star potential. My friends sometimes tell me I “rock the house”. Often they say “wow, that’s so rock n’ roll space cadet” when I tell them about stuff I didn’t actually do on the weekend but wish I had.

Furthermore, I’m really good at falling asleep in strange places and looking haggard in the morning. Oh oh, and like all the time, when I turn up at parties an hour late, other people will say crazy things like “whoa, look out, now here’s trouble” and slap my arse. Does that ever happen to you?

I’ve been learning the guitar and am good at John Denver’s songs. I know he’s not very r&r but I’ve been told that Denver is musically similar to the Stone Temple Pilots if you stand in an enclosed space for long enough after it’s been WD40-ied. I’ve never tried getting high on household cleaners (can it be done?), but I’d totally like to bring a bit more hum to the works of Denver, because at the moment all the ho’s there but it’s sautéed in wrong sauce. I think we could really rock that mutha tractor biatch Annie’s Song out with a bit of hard kore bass, maybe stripped back a bit, and some phat superhero he-man geeetar upfront.

Perhaps you could tell me whether my idea is sautéed even mildly in the right sauce? I should ask the house band, since without them we would all be nothing. Actually, I would also like to ask them if they play any house music ‘cause I am a massive fan of house music, especially C & C music factory’s pre ’91 stuff (you know, before they got signed and were still struggling artists doing running man busks on street corners in Seattle. Didn’t they do some collaboration with Black Francis? I mean, they were so much truer to themselves before Things That Make You Go Mmmm).

The only other thing I wanted you to clarify was which wrong sauce you keep referring to. It’s a pretty cool thing to say, but there are so many wrong sauces in the Philippines that it’s really hard to find a right one.

But, like, awesome, wow, WOW!!! Can I throw it back to Brookie on the stage now?
xx Rock Star Lizzie Supervehicle

PS Is rock star one word or two? I need to know ‘cause I’m changing my title by depole and I’d totally hate for people to be laughing at me like I was some kind of moron if I screwed up.